GW: As Portrayed By The Seriously, erm Irate X-Men
by Ace of Hearts
Summary: Well, the G-boys and Co. had their fun when they were suckered into shooting an X-Men movie and made the real X-ppl look like complete jokes. Now it's time for...*drumroll*...revenge! Dun dun dun!
1. Eeny, meeny, miny, mo: Which AC Paramoun...

**~ Gundam Wing: As Portrayed By The Seriously...Erm...Irate X-Men ~**

"Hey!"   
"What the...!'   
"Why you insolent little bastards...!"   
Duo Maxwell happily ignored the outraged cries of the moviegoers as he blatantly cut in line, long braid whipping freely behind him like a shiny chestnut flag. Behind him, Heero Yuy and Chang Wufei were (unwittingly) making sure that none of the angry customers punched out Duo, the former's Patented Glare of Death® doing more than enough talking for him, the latter's mad rant about how going to a movie was for the weak keeping the normal people at a discrete five foot radius away from him. Sandwiched in between the happily skipping Duo and the glaring and ranting Heero and Wufei were Trowa Barton and Quatre Raberba Winner, with Trowa walking along at a silent, normal pace and Quatre blushing red as a fire truck and ducking his head, silently and furiously berating himself for following Duo's example and disregarding all manners and politeness. Pushing and shoving, the dysfunctional family-like group of boys finally reached the ticket counter, and Duo immediately slammed a roll of dollar bills in front of the saleslady (don't ask where the money came from!). 

"Five tickets for--" Duo began to say. At that, the rest of the G-boys immediately began naming off their movies of choice, in complete disregard for the supposed abnormal personalities that they were supposed to display.   
"Swordfish," Heero Yuy spoke up promptly (more like grunted), not too big of a surprise that he had named the terrorist and computer-hacking action flick.   
"........" went Trowa, and Duo didn't bother to decipher what this stretch of silence was supposed to mean.   
"Um...I'd like to see Pearl Harbor," Quatre spoke up shyly, naming the Disney romance set in a historical era.   
"Movie-viewing is for the weak! Injustice!" Wufei huffed. "But since we are here, we might as well watch Kiss of the Dragon."   
Duo pouted when he heard the titles that his fellow pilots had named.   
"Aw...but I wanted to watch Shallow Hal," he whined. Quatre looked surprised.   
"Duo, I didn't know you went for the whole romantic comedy genre," he spoke up. Duo turned around and looked at him like he had just grown two heads.   
"Who cares about the plot?" he wanted to know. "I just wanted to see a hot blonde chick in lingerie." 

At this, Quatre sighed, wondering to himself why he even bothered to ask.   
"Never mind," he mumbled wearily. "So, um...what are we going to watch?"   
"Swordfish," Heero grunted stubbornly.   
"Shallow Hal!" Duo chipped in his two cents, placing his hands on his hips.   
"........." Trowa...erm...silenced(?)   
"Well, I wanted to watch Pearl Harbor--" Quatre began to say, when he was cut off by none other than...   
"Kiss of the Dragon!" the Chinese lunatic--uck, that is, Wufei--boomed angrily, looking like he was ready to fight for his choice of movie. Unfortunately, so was Heero...and surprisingly, Duo was all too ready to defend his right to view hot blondes in lingerie. Trowa, meanwhile, just stood there silently (big surprise there), and Quatre, being the gentle pacifist that he was, obviously did not wish to get into a fistfight (or streetfight, if Wufei and Heero could have their way) over something as petty as a movie. So, in an effort to stop the impending streetfight that he knew was going to happen, Quatre quickly scanned over the list of movies playing and zeroed in on a particular title like a hunter moving in for the kill.   
"Look, they made a movie about us," he pointed out, his voice squeaking a little bit in his nervousness. Heero, Duo, and Wufei thankfully relaxed from their fighting stances (Heero had his hand in his coat and his glare on his features, Duo had his fists up in front of him and was bouncing around like a ballerina turned boxer, and Wufei was crouched like the elusive tiger of Northern Asia), and turned around as one to see what Quatre was desperately babbling about. Quatre tried hard not to make his finger shake as he pointed up at the glowing red digital title on the black screen.   
"S-S-See?" he stammered, swallowing hard. "Gundam Wing: The Movie."   
Duo was studying the title intensely, and was frowning--an expression somewhat alien to his usually sunny face.   
"Hey, I've heard about that," he muttered thoughtfully. "I think it's an indy, financed mostly by some man named Xavier, or whatever his name was."   
Now it was Wufei's turn to look thoughtful (my, Duo and Wufei thinking on the same day--what are the odds?   
"Xavier, is it? For some reason, I seem to remember that name," he murmured.   
"But it's a movie about us," Quatre chirped a little too brightly. His sunny smile still frozen on his lips, the angelic blonde boy squeaked out, "And it's only fair that we watch it--that way we can tell how well they portrayed us."   
Duo pouted.   
"But it's an indy," he whined. "That means it's probably gonna suck."   
Quatre gave Duo a stern look.   
"Duo, what did we learn about judging books by their covers?" he asked patiently, sounding like a schoolteacher talking to a particularly troublesome child. Duo scratched his head. He scuffed his shoe in the asphalt. He pulled at his collar as he stared down at the ground, seemingly fascinated by the patch of sidewalk in front of his feet. After a good three minutes of fidgeting, he finally mumbled, "Eh...don't do it?"   
Quatre nodded.   
"So then it's settled," he said, like a parent trying to satisfy all of his children--which was, in some degree, not that far from the truth. "We're going to watch the Gundam Wing movie, and we're not going to sneak into Shallow Hal as soon as the theater darkens."   
Three guesses as to whom this last statement was aimed at. Duo pouted for the third time since they'd pushed and shoved their way to the front of the line.   
"But there's this one scene of a hot chick in lingerie..." he mumbled in a tiny voice as it trailed off. 


	2. The Wait Before The Actual Movie

Duo lugged his Extra Extra Large Jumbo King Size popcorn and soda into the darkened room, as Wufei, who had the luck of getting stuck behind him, fought down the temptation to shove Duo forward--real hard. Really, really, hard. Meanwhile, the rest of the G-boys filed rapidly and efficiently into a row of empty seats--there seemed to be a disturbingly large amount of them--with Duo huffing and puffing several feet back under his weight of popcorn and soda, and Wufei mumbling to himself how it was unjust to pick on a weaker opponent. Still...it was just so _tempting!_ Duo finally lumbered his way into a seat next to Quatre, and Wufei plopped down next to the braided American, thanking Nataku that he did not have to fight an unworthy weakling of an opponent over an unjust cause. The theater began to darkne.   
"Ouchy, ouchy, ouchy!"   
"Duo, what did I tell you about sneaking into Shallow Hal?"   
"Don't pull on my frickin' braid, Winner!"   
"Yes, well it was the only way to stop you from sneaking off!"   
"Yeah, but--"   
"Shhh!"   
Duo and Quatre guiltily looked backwards at the few scattering of people who were actually looking forward to the movie, and meekly hushed up. The previews rolled. Duo's eyes boggled at the lingerie scene in Shallow Hal, and glanced off longingly into the glowing red exit sign. A good yank on his braid, courtesy of the blonde Arabian seated next to him convinced the cheerful American to change his plans, and Duo sulkingly sank back into his seat, wallowing his sorrows at being so cruelly denied his right to view hot chicks in lingerie in his Extra Extra Large Jumbo King Size (bath)tub of popcorn. And then, after a good five minutes, the previews were shoved out of the spotlight, the credits rolled, and Gundam Wing: The Movie had begun. (Ooh, isn't this just so exciting?!) 

"I feel your love, reflection..." A sultry female voice tinged with a Southern accent began to sing as the opening credits rolled.   
"Um...Mitsu...something...hitomi...ne, I mean, ni; Ego...I, mean, ega...ite, what? What the hell is this...oh, forget it...haruka...no, harukana...Never ending story! Um...kana...kanashimi something...kanashimi mo itami mo..."   
The G-boys cringed through the supposed Japanese opening theme, the word horribly sung a horrible understatement. Duo and Quatre fought down the urge to break down and cry, Wufei was happily babbling to himself about how weak a woman was, and Heero and Trowa were being spared from the torture of having to listen to the supposed Japanese song, ear plugs snugly in place. Finally, the supposed Japanese opening, which had obviously been sung by an American woman with a distinctive Southern accent, ended, and both the singer and the G-boys heaved immense sighs of relief. The opening credits quickly flashed up the screen as the horribly sung American-ized version of White Reflection faded blessedly into silence, and the movie finally begun. 


	3. How Well Were The Boyz Portrayed? Well, ...

After the quick instrumental break, during which Duo fought with Heero for his earplugs, the visual came on, shifting into a scene of what was a poorly-built set made to resemble an OZ base. Seated in the main control room amidst all the computer screens and fancy equipment was a white-haired man with a tin bucket with eyeholes crammed over his head, whom by some quirk of the author we all know to be Magneto. He was wearing a red military coat with white pants and knee-length black boots, with a silver belt that had the acronym OZ stenciled on it in platinum. The G-boys had no trouble recognizing him as Zechs Merquise, aka Milliardo Peacecraft, aka the Lightning Baron, aka that man with the goofy tin can over his head. At that moment, a random white-and-green-clad cadet sprinted up to Magneto/Zechs, and shrilled in a piercing voice, "Colonel Se--um, I mean, _Zechs_, we believe we've just discovered the secret identities of the gundam pilots!" Magneto/Zechs turned around regally, and said in a proud, authoritative voice, "Well done. Show me the data, please."   
"This way, sir," the cadet said respectfully, and began walking toward the largest monitor in the control room. Magneto/Zechs spun around in circles for a few moments, before blindly groping his way along the wall and toward the monitor, the owlish mask not exactly helping his vision all that much. Finally, he tripped his way over to the computer screen, and the cadet turned it on. The monitor flared bright blue, before the short biographies of all five respective gundam pilots were displayed on the screen. 

First up was, naturally, Heero, being that he was the pilot of the Gundam 01 and the main character of the movie and all. The screen filled up with a fearsome image of a frighteningly gruff-looking man, with graying sideburns and matching blue-black hair slicked up his head to give him a rather owlish look. A dash of dark brown had been sprayed into his graying hair, and the man was clad in a moss-green tank top tucked into his black Spandex shorts that were two or three sizes too small for him. In metallic red digital lettering, the name Hero Yuy (Heero barely blinked when he realized that they'd misspelled his name) appeared in bold block letters, the same way they'd had in the X-Men movie that the G-boys had shot a while back. Hobbies: Wiggling his ass in front of the camera while wearing insanely tight Spandex shorts replaced Hero Yuy on the screen, and stayed there for a deliberate several seconds before Oh, and shooting and blowing up buildings and committing other random acts of terrorism replaced the embarrassing statement about how Heero (or Hero, in this case) liked to shake his moneymaker on the silver screen. Heero's eyebrow twitched, and Quatre could swear that his frown darkened just a notch, before he had to forget about the frown and scramble to wrestle the revolver from Heero's iron grip as the former pilot grunted, "Omae o korosu!" and tried to shoot at the screen. The two pilots scuffled, but Heero, being, well, Heero, stubbornly pulled at the trigger anyway. Bang! A loud shot was heard, a sleek, silver bullet went flying through the air...and tore an unsightly hole right between the legs of the man playing 'Hero Yuy'--right in _that_ area.   
"Oh my God!" a horrified and embarrassed Quatre squeaked, blushing bright red and covering his eyes for a few hesitant seconds, while Duo took notice of the strategically placed hole and began giggling like a madman on crack. 

Next up was, naturally, Duo Maxwell, as the image of 'Hero Yuy' with the strategically placed bullet hole on his Spandex shorts flicked to show a tall, ruggedly handsome young man with longish brown hair and ruby-red eyes, dressed in the practically trademark black shirt with its white priest's collar and matching black stirrup pants. The actor's hair, although rather long for a man, was nowhere near Duo's butt-length locks, and thus the braid looked somewhat awkward on him, being that it only reached past his shoulders. Duo pouted when he saw that they'd chopped off his hair, but then brightened again as the metallic red digital letters boldly spelled out Duo Maxwell for the whole world to see--or at least for the suckers stupid enough to actually pay to watch this film to see. According to the film, Duo Maxwell's hobbies were supposedly getting beaten around by pretty much all of his teammates...and that obligatory committing random acts of terrorism stuff. Duo sniffed.   
"I can't believe how mean you meanies are to me," he grumbled, giving Heero, Trowa, and Wufei the evil eye. The other three simply ignored him...like they always did, and waited on tensely for Trowa's bio to appear. 

It didn't take long for said bio to appear. A tall, somewhat uptight-looking dark-haired man with ruby-quartz shades over his eyes filled up the screen.   
"Eew! I think I just saw his boogers!"   
".......Maxwell, omae o korosu........."   
"Hn. Stop stealing my catchphrases."   
"........."   
Right. Anyways, as the name Trowa Barton filled up the screen, all five G-boys leaned forward unwittingly to see how the producers would damage Trowa's good name. They didn't. Not too much, anyway. Apparently, whoever was behind this film didn't hate Trowa quite as much as they did the rest, because according to the film, Trowa's hobbies included being so silent that it creeps out everyone and...blowingupstuffandcommittingrandomactsofterrorism! Whew!   
"Whoo hoo! Q-man's up next!" Duo chirped brightly, and eagerly rubbed his hands in anticipation, getting ready to laugh in Quatre's face for whichever ridiculous hobby they had put down for him, all in revenge for his denying him his right to view hot chicks in their lingerie, naturally. 

The cameras panned in for a close up of what appeared to be a mountain gorilla with blue fur...until it zoomed in to the 'gorilla's' face to reveal humanoid features. The furry being's ears had been dyed platinum blonde with cheap hair dye (or was that just tie-dye?), and was clad in a grayish-purple vest over a pink shirt that didn't quite fit...and what appeared to be bright blue Speedo-thingies. As the name Quatre Raberba Winner flashed up on the screen, Duo cried out, "Eew! Quatre's wearing his undies! Oh, ew! I think he just mooned us!" Poor Quatre, seeing his beastly portrayal on the silver screen and hearing Duo's so very flattering comments, promptly fainted dead away. Duo sniffed, as if somehow offended by the soft-spoken boy's actions.   
"Hn! And he didn't even stay to see what his hobbies were," the braided American harrumphed in an insulted tone. To Duo's great disappointment, Quatre not only got fairly okay hobbies, but he got more of them than Duo did, because according to whoever had shot this film, Quatre Raberba Winner--or at least the beastly actor that was playing him on the silver screen, anyway--was supposed to drink lots and lots of tea but never seem to need to take a piss, act all sugary sweet and stuff, and, of course, commit random acts of terrorism and all that lovely crap. 

Quatre came to right after his own bio had been done and the movie had moved on to Wufei's; unfortunately for him, the camera had just panned in for a severe close up of a bald, middle-aged (or even older) man with a bunch of black yarn glued to the nape of his neck in an effort to resemble a ponytail, and the sight was so...erm, unusual that the poor ex-pilot nearly fainted again. The name Chang Wufei was displayed in bold block letters, while the real Wufei, taking note of his replacement's baldness and the fact that he was in a wheelchair, thundered furiously, "Injustice! The great Chang Wufei is neither crippled nor bald!" Duo, hearing his comment, suppressed a snort.   
"Crippled, maybe, but bald...now that's a debatable issue," the American ex-pilot tee heed, then promptly eeped as Wufei held him up by the hair and tried to strangle him with his own braid.   
"Ouchy! Put me down!" Duo whined, kicking his feet. Fortunately for him, 'Wufei's' hobbies came up next, and the real Wufei was too preoccupied with what they had to say to pay more attention to Duo. As the name Chang Wufei disappeared, the words Hobbies: Acting like an assclown, deluding himself into thinking he's doing justice while blowing up stuff and committing general acts of terrorism surfaced.   
"KISAMAAAA!"   
It took both Quatre and Duo to restrain Wufei from using his katana to slash an even bigger hole on the movie screen next to the, um, strategically placed bullet hole that Heero had already put there minutes ago.   
"Hey! Ow! What the hell are you trying to do to my armpit?!" Duo whined to Wufei, as the butt (of Wufei's sword, not of Wufei himself!) jabbed him in said area. 

Meanwhile, as Quatre and Duo struggled to hold back the raving madman...erm, that is, Wufei...Magneto/Zechs onscreen was saying, "I've recovered some footage from the camera inside Gundam 01's cockpit when it self-detonated. It might give us an inside look at its pilot." The characters on the silver screen pushed in a tape and pressed the button, and instantly, footage of 'Hero Yuy' filled up the screen...footage of him wiggling his ass in front of the camera while wearing insanely tight Spandex shorts. Heero's eyebrows twitched, and his scowl darkened dangerously as he viewed the particular scene. After about three minutes of ass-shaking, the scowl became deadly, as then...   
"Omae o korosu!" filled the nearly empty theater. Quatre, too busy trying to restrain Wufei and barely succeeding, could only watch helplessly as the furious Heero Yuy pulled out a detonation device out of nowhere and prepared to pull the red switch.   
"Heero, wait--!" Quatre began to protest. 

BOOM!   
As the roof flew off of the movie theater, five coughing boys emerged from the debris and rubble. Four of them appeared bedraggled, while the one in the middle, who was still holding a self-destruct switch, had only a light covering of dust and was otherwise perfectly fine.   
"Mission accom--" Heero Yuy began to say, when suddenly there was the sound of police sirens, and an army of patrol cars rushed over to the scene of the crime from seemingly nowhere. Heero sweatdropped.   
"Eh..." 


	4. The Aftermath: Schemers, Silencers, Wres...

The G-boys were lounging around their hotel suite, having been bailed out of prison thanks to Catherine Bloom (using Quatre's platinum card, naturally). Heero and Wufei were decked out in fatigues, and were poring over a map which had all known movie theaters showing the GW flick circled viciously with red Magic Marker. The two were hatching an oh so evil scheme to blow up all said theaters in an effort to stop people from seeing the Gundam Wing movie. Trowa, meanwhile, just stood there blankly, a camouflage soldier's cap plunked over his head, courtesy of Wufei. He was staring off into space, a bottle of mineral water in hand. Duo, meanwhile, was lounging around on the comfy leather couch in his boxers, watching professional wrestling and making as much noise as possible, sounding like a human banshee as he either cheered or booed the wrestlers in the ring. Quatre was still in the shower, scrubbing desperately to get the dirt and dust out of his skin and hair.   
"Wah! It's still there!"   
Faint wailing could be heard from the showers, before Quatre started his scrub and rinse routine all over again. 

Just then, there was the sound of a doorbell ringing, and Trowa got up to answer it. He opened the door...and was promptly run over by a hoard of screaming, giggling girls. Heero and Wufei looked up, startled to see this alien invasion (well, girls are as alien to those two as, um, little weird green space men are to us normal humans), before they were engulfed in a wave of nauseantingly sweet perfume.   
"Ooh, I can't believe how cute that movie was!"   
"Hey, those guys were right, Heero Yuy does like to shake his moneymaker in Spandex! Look at that picture!"   
At this particular statement Heero's eyes widened impossibly, and he turned to glare at Trowa, the one responsible for letting this swarm of girls in. Trowa slowly got up, shoemarks all over his face, while the herd of perfume and hair giggled and squealed its way over to Duo on the couch.   
"Aw, are those smiley faces on his boxers?"   
While Duo was being fondled by the fat lady and the bearded lady, all eyes turned to glare accusingly at Trowa, who in turn pivoted on his feet to glare at his sister Catherine. The pretty brunette looked guiltily at the floor.   
"I happened to rent a copy of the Gundam Wing movie to see why it bothered you so much, and watched it with some of my circus girlfriends. Can I help it if they loved it and wanted to meet the stars?" she defended herself. Catherine and the rest of the G-boys turned to look at Duo, who was struggling to breathe under the mountain of attractive, unattractive, and horrendously unattractive girls, and Catherine sweatdropped.   
"Um, as you can see, my friends aren't exactly the shy type," she mumbled, eyes down on the floor. Just then, the tiny redheaded acrobat leaned up and squealed, "Hey, I think one of the cutie pie's in the showers! I can definitely hear the showers running!"   
And with that, the group of girls promptly migrated over to the bathroom.   
"But Catherine--" Trowa began to say, when his sister cut him off.   
"Ta ta, I've got to go see who's the one in the showers," she muttered distractedly, and hurried off to follow the swarm of attractive, unattractive, and horrendously unattractive girls.   
"Aw! It's the blonde cutie pie!" a high-pitched voice squealed and giggled happily. The rest of the G-boys cocked their heads to listen. They heard a startled yelp, followed by a girlie scream, and, finally, the thump that signaled a body hitting the floor. 

Fifteen minutes later, a terrified Quatre rushed out of the bathroom, clad in only a tiny little hotel towel wrapped around his waist, with the swarm of girls nearly succeeding in tearing his towel off. Angelic face flaming beet red, Quatre picked up a cordless phone in one hand, while keeping his towel at his waist and not around his feet with the other.   
"Um...Quatre, what are you doing?" Duo asked in a hushed voice, eyeing the furious-looking blonde with uneasy violet-blue eyes. The other G-boys had stopped to gawk at Quatre as well, looking wary at the look of rage in Quatre's eyes. Wufei could swear that he saw steam shooting out of the ex-pilot's ears as he dialed. Finally, he reached the person he had apparently wanted to contact, as Quatre opened his mouth and began to speak, all the while using his other hand to feebly bat away at the wandering hands that were trying to pinch him for his absolute cuteness.   
"Yes, hi," Quatre began in a surprisingly polite voice. "I'm calling to tell you that my friends and I are highly interested in signing a contract for the sequel to the X-Men movie we shot last fall." 

* * *

**~ The End ~**

(Or is it? Dun dun dun!) 


End file.
